#there is an intimacy in nudity that is completely unrelated to sex!!

[hidansbabygirl]

Honestly I don't blame you 😭 Kakuzu Gaiden is near impossible to find, I only know about it because my Chinese friend told me. The English copy isn't available easily anymore. There are also small tidbits about Hidan in Sasuke Shinden, an official TV drama and the games, which is probably why it's so hard to understand him fully, most of his canon materials are extremely niche and often ignored by fans.

Btw, parental Kakuhida can very much be considered canon, if you trust the VA's to make their own opinions about the characters they portray! In the official radio show with the Naruto VA's, they said that Hidan and Kakuzu were really cute together, like a father and his son. So...yeah, shipping them romantically doesn't sit right with me anymore.

As for the observations I was talking about...oh boy, this is going to be really messed up and creepy, not to mention pathetic. But hey, that's just Hidan in canon. Sorry if this is all too disturbing.

In Naruto SD, often Hidan is portrayed with his hand down his pants. Like, he doesn't care. He just starts doing it no matter where he is. At first it may seem like he's being perverted, but that's not the case. Because in Naruto online, they allow you to make friends with Hidan and give him gifts, and if you give him an Icha Icha novel, he's straight up traumatized.

Hidan doesn't understand what sex or intimacy is even supposed to be! Growing up in a hot springs village meant he was definitely exposed to a lot of sexual and non-sexual nudity even as a child, which likely desensitized him to pleasures of the flesh. Jashinism actively condemning bonding with anyone (and isn't that such a classic cult thing to do, to isolate their victims) certainly didn't help.

One of the main reasons Hidan is often depicted as a masochistic psychopath in fanworks is because of the scenes where his body is clearly having an intense reaction to pain. But that's not what's really happening, here, because Hidan actively says many times that he doesn't like hurting and is seen dissociating for a period after a fatal injury. It's most obvious during his fight with Asuma, he visibly blanks out for a minute on screen. It's actually a common phenomenon that can be noticed in humans in too much pain, their brains spark out and try to compensate for the extreme amounts of pain by falsely inducing a feeling of pleasure. It's....sad, to say the least. Like how a sick cat would purr to itself or a hanged inmate would get an erection in the last moments. To summerize, Hidan doesn't understand sex or intimacy, or what's proper or improper. He only knows that touching himself there feels good, and as a person who's almost always in extreme amounts of pain with no support system to fall back on, he grew to rely on that as a coping mechanism. Now he actively associates it with pleasurable memories. Doesn't mean he has any clue about perverted topics.

Also, Hidan is an extremely lonely individual. He craves human connection, even if he isn't allowed to express that desire, and would even disobey commands of Jashinism in order to please his partner. Not to mention, Hidan, for all his rambunctiousness, canonically has trouble expressing himself or asserting his opinions towards figures of authority, what being in a cult does to an mf. He truly believes that he's supposed to be in pain. He's not used to anyone prioritising his happiness or wellbeing. He definitely doesn't know what's normal and what's abusive. He can't set boundaries, he'll just let you do whatever to him so you wouldn't abandon him, if he loves you. Ugh, his character is so amazing, honestly....I can't fit everything here, I'm so sorry.

So...yeah. you could pair him with Naruto, honestly, kindness incarnate, and that still wouldn't make hardcore BDSM with Hidan ok imo. Does it matter if your partner respects your boundaries when you don't even know how to set one?

Completely unrelated random fun fact : Canonically, Hidan has never received a soft toy in his life. He's visibly perplexed by the existence of plushies. Also he loves getting flowers or chocolates or food in general.... he's easy to please, lol, you just have to feed him and talk to him nicely and he'll love you forever.

P.S: how did you feel about Quotidian? It's probably me being delusional, but near the end it seemed to me Hidan was genuinely in love with Temari but simply didn't have any way of articulating his own feelings. I'm hopelessly in love with him, so sometimes I just wonder how it'd have gone if instead of slicing his throat open, Temari had dropped the kunai and gave him a tight hug. There's a very good chance Hidan has never been touched affectionately like that by anyone in the entirety of his short existence. Ahhhh sorry I'm not normal about him. For once, I really want him to feel safe, happy and loved 💔

An another silly rant: I hate how SOME Kakuzu x Hidan shippers treat Hidan.

Okay okay, tale as old as time, two guy get shipped togedher, and the devoted fandom awakens, deciding in the blink of an eye who they think the bottom is, and from that, you have two ways to go:

1; Soft uwu boy

2; Shy tsundere.

If you want a bit of an extra spice, you make them a bit insane.

I cannot stress this enough that gladly this is not all KakuHida fans, and therefor its NOT targeted (i kinda ship them myself)

To be fair, these cathegories are harmfull stereotypes either way.

But on the more lighthearted note, they completly ignore the charakters personality either way. Hidan is silly, and adorable, but definently not in this way. This is more in responds to some fanart i saw, but i just look at it and.. Did we read the same manga? Did we watch the same anime?

I know anime fans have the abbility to turn anything into an uwu cute boy. But yeez does it irritate me.

🎀

[cognitosclowns]

I loved your post about their laughs and was really curious about how youd describe their bodies? thank you!!!!!!!!!!

OOOOOOOOOO <3333 I LOVE THIS SM

nonsexual nudity!!! discussions of weight, bodies and body image, mentions of drugs!!

THESE ARE PROBABLY GONNA STRAY A BIT FROM CANON BUT IDC <33333. Also just some,, general details?? Mostly just whatever comes to mind

Reagan

She looks a lot smaller than she is??? Maybe it's bc she has shit posture but,, he's a pretty tall lady!!

She definitely got her Dad's shoulders - not super broad, but enough that if she started working out they would be???

STOCKY HANDS <333333333 VV square hands, pretty textured bc shes,, Constantly Working With Them!! <333 she keeps her nails super short out of convenience.

CANONICALLY DRY SKIN. She does put a bit of lotion if she remembers, but it means she has,, a lot of texture on her hands and face!! Lots of gorgeous weathering <33

Brett

SUPER FIT. ABS FOR DAYS. We already get to see that he’s Built Like A Greek Sculpture. His muscles are all vvv distinct!!!

the only man here with an ass <3 rip everyone else

I LIKE TO THINK HIS CHEEKS ARE PRETTY SOFT THO??? 

He’s always had squishy cheeks since he was a kid!! When he smiles they all bunch up?? <333 IDK IF IM DESCRIBING IT CORRECTLY BUT <333 Like they’re,, constantly rosy. He breaks out into this,, Peach Colored blush so often?? <333

HIS FINGERS ARE BIG AND CLUMSY. He fumbles stuff a lot because he doesn’t have great coordination w/ em?? His nails are VERY well kept tho <333

JR

This lovely hodgepodge of traits??

He's thin enough you can see a bit of his ribs, but also has a bit of a tummy? He has visible muscle and decently broad shoulders, but his wrists would probably snap if you have him too hard of a high-five? Tent pole legs and a small torso?? Assless, practically concave. His body is hairless and smooth like a skink, except for a Very Pale happy trail.

He wears makeup to get rid of the eyebags + how Deathly Pale he looks. He needs to get more sun, he has a Vitamin D deficiency </3. Truly built like a Tuberculosis Orphan <3

I BULLY HIM BUT I DO IT WITH LOVE <333

ALSO A VV STRONG JAW??? Super squared off n firm. he is so proud of that jawline esp because he didn't have to work for it <3333

THE HANDSSSSS he definitely has Slightly Bulbous Gecko Fingers?? Kinda rosy too bc he chews his cuticles to ratshit. They’re always slightly cold and Exceptionally Soft <333

Alpha-Beta

Y'know what? I'll say it. Quintessential Dad Bod. Nobody can convince me otherwise. They hated Outis because he spoke the truth

BUT LIKE <333 broad shoulders, big stomach n thighs?? Plenty of stretchmarks everywhere!!!

Apparently the original President was an Oops All Tits situation, and while surprised, AB isn’t really complaining?? 

he definitely isn’t a fan of the body hair though ‘Was a happy trail really necessary??? he doesn’t understand why he needed body hair if nobody was ever gonna see him naked??

His skin has a buncha texture?? Laugh lines, crows feet, plenty of Wrinkles and Weathering. 

Glenn

BIG

just in,, every meaning of the word. If he had good posture, he’d tower over the entire gang.

He's the kind of strong of like,, Lumberjacks. A fuckton of muscle n fat, big shoulders - he could probably toss a desk with little to no effort.

I like to think he helped around his parents the farm since a young age, probably picked up odd jobs here and there (friends farms, local fishery) until joining the army when he graduated high school!!

He may not be as active as he was in his 20s-30s but,, Buddy He Could Still Turn You Into Jam If He Wants

MASSIVE FUCKING HANDS. Jesus you wouldn't realize it bc he doesn't Gesture A Lot but,, he could probably wrap his full hand around most ppls throats. ALSO TALONS <333 SHARP CLAWS

His teeth are the thickness of your thumb, a dulled point. He can break bone!! Yes, he’s tested, (I SHOULD CLARIFY : not on people, on Assorted Meats)

Andre

Long and thin - he has trouble keeping on weight, even though he eats like a trash compactor. you can’t see bones, but he’s definitely on the smaller side!!

SUPER LANKY, but unlike JR he doesn’t have that much muscle?? The weight he does have is mostly fat!

HES SUPER FLEXIBLE. He could probably shove himself in one of the cabinets in his office when he doesn’t wanna talk to people lmao. He can stretch backwards and grab hold of his calves (he does it to freak Myc out smdnsd)

Boniest fingers in the universe. you can see the individual like,, joints. They’re also all,, curved?? He’s broken his fingers a bunch on accident so,, they have a bunch of kinks!!

his skin and hair is vvvv oily!! he used to have really bad acne when he was a teen!! Myc lovingly teases him that the reflection of light off his forehead + hair could cook smb like an Ant in a Magnifying glass.

speaking of hair - it has this super textured, gritty feeling??? Maybe cause he forgets to clean it but,, it feels Dense n Sandy?? <333

Myc

he looks way less solid than he is??? it looks like if you poked him he’d dent

he’s actually fairly sturdy!! Like theres some give but he has Structure? He kinda feels like if you coated a Slightly Deflated Beach ball in Aloe Vera.

The bulbs on the top are probably the softest??

The Ball (tm) is straight up a giant crystal ball. There’s a slight give, but it’s basically a Firm Crystal-Like Membrane??

everything about him is slick - but in the Tacky, Oily way that some Hand Sanitizers have?? It feels like you can never get him off your hands </3

Gigi

MNSDMS SHE’S PRETTY SHORT </3 the heels help but she still has to ask Myc and Andre to get stuff from the Top Shelves.

ANDRE TEASES HER BC,, HE CAN WRAP MOST OF HIS HAND AROUND HERS??

Everything about her is very,, sharp?? High cheek bones, edge nails, etc. 

She has the kind of,, Elegant Strength that a diamond has if that makes sense??

HER SKIN IS FLAWLESS, EVERYONE ELSE IS JEALOUS. She has full access to Andre’s Mad Science + her Media Team so,, yeah she always looks like she’s just stepped down from heaven for a quick bite to eat <3

She has freckles!! she usually covers them up with makeup, so it’s very rare to see get a look at em!!! <3333 they really come out in the sun tho <3

IDK IF THIS IS WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND BUT <333 IT WAS A BLAST TYSM ANON